he left me.
my beloved dog frankie
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i was in no time to handle this. to handle all the emotions, to keep away all the tears. i was in no time to kiss him goodbye, to tell him, i love him all these years. i was in no time to cry, when he slept on my lap, licking me, and teared when i whisper softly at his ears. i was in no time to recover from the overwhelming heart-soring pain even after a birthdae celebration, and they decided we shuld bring him for the euthanasia. i was in no time, to breakdown, when i saw his frail skele body walking towards me when i reach out for him to my arms. i was in notime toreact when she said hes got cancer in the stomach, liver spleen enlargement, defunctinoning kidney, and cardiac problem.
i constantly broke into tears, when he sat on my lap, and look at me when i whisper to him. i couldnt sniiff. i was alrd sobbing. i felt him coughing, and shivering. the heartache had alrd taken its toll on me. my tears kept flowing.. i wish he would ignore me when i called him "stupid dog", run away purposely when i call him "darlingggg" , bark at me when i snatches his toys, runs with me when i skipped acroos the living room.. but he didnt. he didnt.. and he wont do it.. anymore.
12th jan 2006. this was the day. the day where i put my pride aside. the day.. when i finally cried. i wet home right after sch, just to see him. the dog tht i alwaes been loving these years. the one who sat at the doorstep sometimes when he knew i was coming home. i was smiling, he was there, watching me opening the door, trudged towards me, when my lil finger waved at his sight. i pat his lil head.. and look at his eyes, saying gently "darling, i m home. do u mis me?" how i wished i can tel him this everyday. i shuld have. i realli shuld have..
i sat infront of this comp. looking blankly. listening to david's <就是爱你> and there he came to my steps.. i fed him with apple. he hasnt been eating there and then.. and he chew every piece of tht apple i fed. he was waiting for me when i discard the apple. i asked him.. "yes darling..? u wanna sit on my lapp..?" and so i carried him.. he sat on my lap.. i walked to the windows, he was in my arms. we watched the cars together.. i told him as i pat him gently.." frankie.. i love u. i realli do. i wish when u go, u wil not suffer anymore. i wih u can reincarnate and b a human nex life, andi wil b happy too. dont u b afraid. i would b going with u to the vet later. i love u.. reallie... i realli do.." i couldnt help but sob. when he sat on my lap.. i knew he asnt asleep. it was as if, he was waiting for time. he coughed and shiver again. each time he coughed, my heart felt the piercing pain. i couldnt stop sobbing until my tears befall on his frail body.. he started licking me.. the pain was so strong, so strong.. so strong.. i can still feel it now, lingering and heartrending..
and there the clock flew. i put him in my fila bag.. and set off. my mum couldnt decide. my dad was hafing second thots. i was determined. call me selfish, call me ruthless, call me idiot, cal me bitch. whatsoever.. if only u ccould stop all he was suffering. i was in the room, with dad vet n frankie. he couldnt evn stand on the table.. unstable with his skele movements.. i was once again heart-soring, controlling the tears b4 he catch it.. and there vet says " u can choose to let him live, and die naturrallie after starving for days, or just a jab and let him end today" my dad was speechless, i was there to decide. i raised up the word " today" i nv felt so brave and pain all at the same time. nv felt happy and upset all at one single moment.
vet said "ok, say ur last few words to him." dad's eyes went red, and beraft of words. he said "u talk to him.. i dont know what to say to him..lost of words." and he left the room.. turning away.
i hugged frankie a lil. waving good-bye.. feeling a pull back at my throat. tears kept to welling up my eyes, yet i have to hold in back.. i cant cry and speak a the same time. i m not crying.. i embrace his lil head, and kiss his forhead.. "goodbye" the last goodbye.. i m saying to him.. the last goodbye tht wil last forever.. not the goodbye b4 i leave for school.. b4 i sleeep.. and b4 i go overseas.. i saw his eyes.. i knew he was telling me.. he loves me.. he loves us.
i saw the door slamming.. i signed the document.. and vet asked if anyone was coming to see him.. i said "no." and she said "ok. den we'll do it late tonite."
my dad asked if i want to go see him b4 we leave the vet.. and i said " no" i was so much more afraid i couldnt help my tears any longer. i was so much more afraid tht i wil want him back badly. i was so much more afraid tht i wanted to say more goodbyes to him. i was so much more afraid.. so much more afraid tht i want him to be in arms. i was so much more.. so much more afraid.. tht the hearttrending feeling may conquer me..
i kept thinking abt him.. everywhere i go.. everything i do.. every corner in the house is his shadow.. every moment.. every pictures of him depicts al the pain i felt. every.
right now, sitting infront of this comp, blank, crying, sobing.. whatsoever.. listening to
<就是爱你>, feeling the excruciating pain, the hardy to open my eyes.. the disabled tears tht kept flowing.. i m still mising him.. badly. badly.
i reallie love u. reallie. i just love u, my darling. and i wil alwaes do. i miss u. badly..
posted by i am simple. yeah. alwaes. @ 1:16:00 AM
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