pre-birthday reflection
okkies. tomorrow is my birthday, Happy birthday Goh Lee kheng! turning 19, kinda aweful in fact, i wish i was always 17. yay. i will always be 17 then. =) Let's see my last year diary entry, it says :Today is my birthday. But it's like there's nothing to celebrate... i didnt know why i din feel happy. And i thot its just another day... it's like an emotional peak for me today and i want to end my life at this moment, at this time.
[P.S: omigawd, i think i was rather suicidal at tht point of my life when i was attached. Tsk tsk tskk~]
Ahh, crap! i cant imagine a year ago i was such an emo freak,
*give me some knuckles yay?! some Fins Some Fins!! *
i m not trying to bring upte past, walao, but at least let me get off this steam la, for a year its lawfully right to reflect what. righties?
okkies, lets we see. hmmm. last year, i was still in a dumb childish monogamous relationship with someone for tht dumb 14 months, and right now, i felt like i've escaped from the jail and breakfree to the wild. exasperated, haha. i would say. *smile smile. and so for tht 8 months of 2005, i see life going up and down, feeling the fear of being discovered by my beloved family. but i guess thts not the worst. i think, hmm, i spent days and nights thinking how to be a good girlfriend. how to make her happy, how to not b jealous when her ex calls her up. how to act like nothing happen when i was deep-fu*king sad inside. how to spent my weekends or her day off with her instead of hanging out with my good old friends. and so at the end of tht 8 months, i realise tht i've been MOTHERING a person, and not gaining any love. this was not the end of the story, she got a gf 4 days after we broke up( or even earlier), and i knew it like.. 2 weeks later. it feels brain-fu*ked. i wasnt upset, in fact, just felt DUMB for being cheated. *giggles. and cheated by my own species, GOSH.
but i learnt lotsa things lah. Probably, i shuld thank her, give her some "clanger" award for "educating" me. hhaa. i learnt to give and take, not just give, and never take. keke.
i learnt tht ppl became very selfish when they r in love. they began to lose control.
i learnt how to be confident, because nobody is going to give me this and tht i wasnt a confident ger when i was with her. ( probably she's stepping on me, *evil laughs. kidding) erm, prolly looking back at the picts on how i dressed, oh god! *chuckles.
i learnt tht as long as i am true, i never take things for grant'd, i didnt lie abit about anything, and karma comes in tonnes to those who beset u and nv admit. haa.*evil laughs. well. tis is not an understatement. i m serious, dont laugh. *giggles.
hmm. i learnt to laugh out loud, haha. who dont right. i mean to say laugh out like i mean it. =) haha. laugh and forget. i also learn tht its veri difficult to start a relationhip, and once u start it, u haf to endure thru it. ( i rather not start it, haha!) and now, i haf mixed feelings about this, sometimes wanted someone i can manje with. yet seriously, dont have anything is a big blessing in disguise!
i learnt tht friends, are the most precious gift i ever get in my whole dumb life. keke. yay! I m reaalllie reaallie serious about this. i regret a whole lot, for missing in outings and gatherings most of the time ( i mean YAY, though now i SOMETIMES oso miss it, but there's a diff!) i m trying to catch up with them alrd. i know now tht friends are the ppl who will walk with u till the end, at ur toughest and dumb-est time. even though they may not be there, but when u think of them, u just know they are there. thts how i recover from the fall. *smiles. thank you, friends. from young to old. My prata friends. my sec sch friends, my poly friends. everybody tht has once walk me thru in my life. =) i am what i want now
i love my family and tht i promised my mum tht i will bring someone back no matter if he wil b the one in the future. kee. for this, my lovely mother has been bugging me "where's ur bf" and
my dad's been pointing at every guy fren i bring home "ur bf arh". *giggles. i have a funnie and lovely family. =)
the big fact tht i am beginning to learn how to turn straight, hahha. no no, have straight thots, =P my friends were happy for me, seeeing this as a kind of accomplishment. Muahaha! yay. in fact. i m learning to appreciate the oppo. sex
apart from all this, i think i m taking life with a pinch of salt alrd. Ahh. crap! and so after the 8 months, i lead a life like a free-d bird! Doing things tht i want, going to places anytime anywhere. having lotsa time for myself. Oh great-ness! even at times i felt lonely, i m still able to take it. its not so tough lah! =D i step out of my own comfort zone, i joined dance. and i m loving everybit of it. learning to take humiliation from ppl at tht rehearsal. but nevermindd, i will work on it. haah!
i m learning still, to love every bit of my life. though now i m fearing about another 1 and a half years time i will officially become a staff nurse, i m just trying to accept it. ( i cant run away from the bond and i wont, though i WAS planning. haaha!) *wink. hopefullie things goes well as time pass, yay?
i love all of you. yay, you. My life is somewhat full, thanks to my fellow friends and family. CHill out! =) thank god! miss u guys! take care!
posted by i am simple. yeah. alwaes. @ 8:20:00 PM
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