LAST FRIDAE.
CANT imagine its my LASt friday, my last friday to attachment. OH MY GOD. i went for class yesterday, only to realise tht, i m so kinda lost because i hardly can catch up, and nex weeek is VIDEOING, plus NEx NEX weeek is EXAMINATION. and can you how hear my "OH MY GOD" goes like.OK. i am on my PLUS side now. spinning? reduced. so i sent a surprise to people's doorstep yesterday, a big surprise and he said he would camp at my door to top up my surprise visit. HAHA.
earlier on, i was saying i so hate myself for not taking care when i was so much younger. yes. i still do. i didnt understand why was i so fat then. if only i figure out tht society now only accept the hot propaganda girls featured in top-selling magzines such as FHM, i would have starve myself for tht whole year just to achieve it. i WOULD HAVE, seriously.
i spent 3/4 of my hols, thinking over this, again and again. people only see the superficial part of us, therefore they tend to be taken by the way we look in their first impression. But what if, you dont even look good in the first place, why talk about first impression. Well, i also dream to be abit more flattering and propangandized just like those of the magazines. Long hair, big eyes, ear-to-ear-smile, with tht sexy 36-24-34 stats, who dont want. i want. i had myself crazy, they talk about self-esteeem, and they echo "it doesnt matter how skinny or fat r u, but as long as u have this self-esteem thingy, everything look just as perfect." i dont get it. then why, some people who have it, they complained and wanted more. i SO WANNA KILL myself.
OH god. NONONO. i wasnt suicidal over this okie, cool. i was just, pondering most of the time. been asking i this a crucial criteria of life. i confess, to me, YES. Friends think i'm obsessed. OF course, try hitting 80kg at 153cm when u are 13 yrs old. and now, layers of cellulite, hidden flabs, underlying stretched marks. signs of triumph? i seriously dont see this as my triumphant. they are a part of me tht i cant change. Nobody understand how this look, when it comes to this. Nobody understand the kind of obsession i had. all they say is, "you have done enuff, why stil so obsessed" and trust me, when they say this, I SO FEEL WANNA KILL MYSELF. Its not about losing how much, its about reaching tht goal u want. its about, looking good, feeling good, and living good. its about a girl. *SIGHS. its taking its toll on me. its not a obsession. its about getting rid of tht feelings tht has been there since young.
okie. i guess i just need to come up with new exercise rountine and healthy diet. taaa-daaa. is it when you are younger like now, your looks overtake everything? if the answerr is yes, probably, i so understand why am i feeling all this now. i DIDnt ask fo perfect, all i ask for was to reach tht goal. i didnt say i wanna be tht skinny skele walking on the street, neither long hair or whatsoever. all i want was to lose tht unsightly part of me tht i DIDNT want. i know, they ask me to try harder, try harder. its all they say. if i didnt, then what would i be doing now? aaaaaaaaaaiiyyyyyaaaaaaa. enuff of these whining. WHolllyyyyyyyyyyyyy~~
yupp. gonna club tonite. aiyaaa. bye peepz.
posted by i am simple. yeah. alwaes. @ 6:11:00 PM
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